I have been going to a church for most of my life. Going being the keyword, I don't think I knew what was going on when I was a child. Church was something for the adults, the kids were a burden, they made noise, cried, wanted to eat and could never pay attention. I probably ticked all those boxes as a child and as such, more often than not, we were left behind when the adults (my grandmother) went to church. When I moved to stay with my parents, it was no different, other than that their church had a lot more singing and were convinced they were the right church and the only ones going to heaven while everyone else would go to hell. Of course I paid attention, afterall, I did not want to go to hell… but, for the longest time, that was the only thing I paid attention to… not going to hell! To be honest, it was a traumatic time for me! It felt like a burden.
Then one day as a teenager I was watching tv, a movie, and there was a funeral and the nun read Psalms 139! I almost fell off my chair! I could not wait for the movie to finish and ran to get my bible. Sure enough, there it was, Psalms 139! It was in my bible too! I loved it! I felt warm and loved just reading it. Nothing else mattered, all the hurt that I had gone through, the disappointments, the rejections. They did not matter anymore. God has just spoken to me through Psalms 139. Letting me know that even before I was born, he knew not only about me, but about my children and grandchildren as well! What a God! I have loved and cherished this chapter all my life since then. It is what saved me from depression and despair. It saved me from loneliness, it saved me from myself and I can never thank God enough for it.
As the days go by, I will unpack what the chapter says to me, for now:
Psalms 139
O Lord, You have searched me and known me.
You know my sitting down and my rising up;
You understand my thought afar off.
You comprehend my path and my lying down,
And are acquainted with all my ways.
For there is not a word on my tongue,
But behold, O Lord, You know it altogether.
You have hedged me behind and before,
And laid Your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
It is high, I cannot attain it.
Where can I go from Your Spirit?
Or where can I flee from Your presence?
If I ascend into heaven, You are there;
If I make my bed in [c]hell, behold, You are there.
If I take the wings of the morning,
And dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
Even there Your hand shall lead me,
And Your right hand shall hold me.
If I say, “Surely the darkness shall [d]fall on me,”
Even the night shall be light about me;
Indeed, the darkness [e]shall not hide from You,
But the night shines as the day;
The darkness and the light are both alike to You.
For You formed my inward parts;
You covered me in my mother’s womb.
I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Marvelous are Your works,
And that my soul knows very well.
My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.
Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed.
And in Your book they all were written,
The days fashioned for me,
When as yet there were none of them.
How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God!
How great is the sum of them!
If I should count them, they would be more in number than the sand;
When I awake, I am still with You.
Oh, that You would slay the wicked, O God!
Depart from me, therefore, you [i]bloodthirsty men.
For they speak against You wickedly;
Your enemies take Your name in vain.
Do I not hate them, O Lord, who hate You?
And do I not loathe those who rise up against You?
I hate them with [k]perfect hatred;
I count them my enemies.
Search me, O God, and know my heart;
Try me, and know my anxieties;
And see if there is any wicked way in me,
And lead me in the way everlasting.